Thursday, April 16, 2009

I agree with gay rights, but ...

In my last post, I mentioned that I was very upset about the wording of Iowa's Supreme Court decision on same-sex marriage. They reiterated the stance that sexual orientation cannot be changed, and then said that gay and lesbian individuals cannot fulfill the need for a deep relationship with a marriage to someone of the opposite sex.

While I completely understand why some gay and lesbian individuals do not necessarily want to be married to someone of the opposite sex, there are those that do. I don't know what to call myself now - I think I am bisexual - but I was definitely gay a year ago, and I wanted an opposite sex marriage. Now that I am finally married, I am happier than I thought possible. I have feelings for my wife that I never thought was possible for me to have with a woman.

I have been more vocal about rights and recognition for couples where one of the partners has same-sex attractions as of late, and I have been surprised at the reaction. I get five main reactions:

1) Gay people should not try to change or try to make a heterosexual marriage work.

They say we are not really happy, or we are lying to ourselves. They say it is a good thing to discourage people from enter into marriages, and even that those already in such a marriage should break up. Whatever happened to we could be with whoever we want to be with?

2) No one is telling you what you should do.

Obviously, these people haven't talked to people in group one. Or at least until they don't really understand what I am talking about, and then once they do many oin the people in group 1.

3) I don't matter.

Someone actually told me that first we need to fight for the rights of the majority of gays before we even start to be concerned about the minority of gays.

4) Gays who are heterosexually married work must really be bisexual.

I guess it depends on your definition of bisexual. My question is whether it is possible to change your sexual orientation? I was only attracted to men before my wife. Am I now bisexual? If that is the case, then that means gays can change their sexual orientation and become bisexual. Therefore gays can make a heterosexual marriage work, because they changed their orientation.

5) I never thought of that before.

Finally some open minded people. There actually are quite a few gay rights activists who recognize the fact that not everyone who is gay wants a lifestyle pushed down their throats. Camile Paglio is one that comes to mind.

What I want
Ultimately, we have a lot of the same goals. I also want an environment free of homophobia. I want to reduce the suicide rate of gays and lesbians. I want children to be able to tell their parents that they think they might be gay without their parents telling them they are going to hell.

Can we work together on these goals? I would like to see people acknowledge that some gays want and can succeed at making a fulfilling marriage with someone of the opposites sex. I would like people to acknowledge that while sexual attractions are not a choice, sexual behavior is a choice.

I would like people to stop saying that churches are anti-gay that teach that gays can receive peace through coming to Christ and giving up same-sex relationships. I have received so much happiness and peace through this teaching, and it hurts me that anyone would accuse a church that has brought me so much peace of being unloving or unwelcoming towards gays.

I would like for people to stop saying bans on same-sex marriage eliminates the rights of gays to get married. Say it eliminates the rights of same-sex couples to get married.

Finally, I want schools to teach an unbiased view of homosexuality. Teach some gays have found happiness in same-sex relationships, but others have found happiness in celibacy or opposite-sex relationships. Teach the children that they have the power to choose the direction of their lives, and not to listen to what anyone else tells them is right or wrong.

Friday, April 03, 2009

Apparently, gays are incapable of opposite-sex marriage

Today, the Iowa Supreme Court shot down the ban on same-sex marriage:

What was there reasoning? That people should be able to marry whoever they want? Nope. I wish that were the case. Their reasoning is that gay men are incapable changing and will never be able to fulfill their deeply felt need for a committed personal relationship with a woman and gay woman are equally incapable of fulfilling that need. It is one thing to say gay people should be able to marry whoever they want, and completely other thing to say they are incapable of being happily and faithfully married to a member of the opposite sex. Here is a section from the Iowa Supreme Court decision:

"Viewed in the complete context of marriage, including intimacy, civil marriage with a person of the opposite sex is as unappealing to a gay or lesbian person as civil marriage with a person of the same sex is to a heterosexual. Thus, the right of a gay or lesbian person under the marriage statute to enter into a civil marriage only with a person of the opposite sex is no right at all. Under such a law, gay or lesbian individuals cannot simultaneously fulfill their deeply felt need for a committed personal relationship, as influenced by their sexual orientation, and gain the civil status and attendant benefits granted by the statute. Instead, a gay or lesbian person can only gain the same rights under the 31 statute as a heterosexual person by negating the very trait that defines gay and lesbian people as a class - their sexual orientation."
"Accordingly, because sexual orientation is central to personal identity and ‘may be altered [if at all] only at the expense of significant damage to the individual’s sense of self,’ classifications based on sexual orientation are no less entitled to consideration as a suspect or quasi-suspect class than any other group that has been deemed to exhibit an immutable characteristic." (See complete statement:

For years I thought this was the case for me. I thought I would be incapable of fulfilling my deeply felt need for a committed personal relationship with a woman. Fortunately, I was wrong. I have changed. I am sexually attracted to a woman, and I am so happy being married, and I think way too many gay men and women sell themselves short are write off opposite sex relationships all together.

Are LGBT rights only for LGBT people who are openly seeking same sex relationships, or do these rights extend to all LGBT people, regardless of how they choose to live their lives? In order to be truly free, LGBT rights must recognize and respect the rights of all LGBT people, and making statements that gay men and women are incapable of a fulfilling opposite sex relationship is discriminatory.